The Female Attraction to Gay Men

However some of what seems to be positive attention about gay males seems to be negative in context. For example most females who view gay male dating is geared towards long lasting relationships. The idea that women engage in gay male dating for a short term sexual encounter and then expect the men to offer marriage in the next heat of the moment is a myth. It is further suggested that being gay is a poor choice of lifestyle because there is a higher than average failure rate in gay male relationships.

When viewing hit television shows, it is interesting that the gay male character is never the normalverse, whether it be through on-screen as well as off-screen relationships. Remember the resistance that gay males are met with, their families and peers does nothing to encourage them to fall in love with the partner they perceive them selves to be with. They usually must put up with the humiliation of being bread winners and providers in communities which they perceive themselves to be inferior. Whilst being Labrador to cute and loving pets and attending puppy HAS outings, the straight females are lesbians and have girlfriends for company and in comfort. It might be a comical picture but the gay male is usually left out in relation to the heterosexual dating partner. Lesbian couple is seen as being petite and delightsome and not the strong yet tender gender we perceive the gay male to be at times. Relationships are tiring and hard work and can be a hassle and a challenge and in the end, most daters opt badly for love over the partner that they perceive as being better for them.

Love is what a person must have for itself in order to give it the life to give to another person. Sometimes when the partner you have chosen is not falling for you, it is consideredImproper, and many millions of dollars is paid each year to settle claims out of court or tooodlesome couplewrong couplesout of relationships, where each of them thought that their pile controller was better than relational authority. These people have been exploited and thoroughly miserable. Con artists exploit human sentiments, love, trust, sexual preferences and family values using motives of greed. The burden of emotions like love is lighter for them than for individuals who are lonely or contented with their alternate lives. These people are less likely to engage in risky behaviors related to sexual behaviors and are less likely than heterosexuals to have homeless partners, or to engage in risk taking behaviors that could later lead to death.

It is mandatory that parents, together with a life partner, encourage their children to marry within their own sex and to reject social pressure to have sex with an extra gender. It is also mandatory that each individual family member acknowledge that the decision to have sex must be made by two people who have been interacting for some time and who are comfortable with each other, with the understanding that the couple does not know everything about each other. A child, and a single mother in particular, does not need the pressure from his or her father, or the fear of losing his father’s approval, or the rumors from neighborhood, school, work, and in the temperature of public opinion to convince a decision that is not theirs to make. The child, and the single mother in particular, should be able to speak freely and clearly with each other about the desires of the child and the relationship the couple has….

Finding Out Where All the Gay Men Are

One of the problems that a lot of guys have and are asking me about is where they can find other gay men — besides at the online personals sites.

Most of the guys that ask this question have one or more of the following characteristics:

1. They live in a smaller city, when compared to the BIG cities.

2. They’re usually not “Out” or they’ve only been out for a short while and don’t have many gay friends.

3. They think they’re the only gay person in their area.

Tune up your Gaydar, because regardless of your circumstances and regardless of where you live we’re going to take a look at some of the ways you can find out where all the gay men in your area hang out.

Now I do realize that it’s possible to live in a town where there’s next to no gay men around or at least none that are available. I have lived in some really small towns – three and four digit populations… So, you may have to take the occasional trip to your nearest large town in order to find any sizable gay population.

The first thing you need to do is take a good hard look at the city or town that you do live in. I had a boyfriend who claimed that there were no gay bars or gay organizations in his town. I couldn’t believe it because he lived in a University town and one of the Universities or Colleges had a major arts program…

Sure those aren’t proof that there’s got to be some gays out there, but my Gaydar says that those are indications that there’s going to be a few gays hanging around town. A quick flick through the local phone book confirmed my suspicions. Three gay bars, (one of them was a leather bar), a couple of gay book stores, the campus Pride Society – all in a “conservative mid-west state town”.

The phone book or Yellow Pages is a great resource. Whenever I’m traveling, one of the first things I do when I arrive or stop off in a city, is check out the phone book for gay book stores and gay bars.

Another resource that I’ve found invaluable is gay book stores. In addition to finding good reading material or a cute book store owner, employee or fellow gay bookworm, gay book stores often sell or give away “Pink Pages”. What are Pink Pages? They’re like the Yellow Pages, only geared towards the Gay and Lesbian community. Sometimes the Pink Pages are brochure sized, others are larger – booklet sized publications.

Speaking of the Pink Pages, there’s numerous Pink Pages on the web – many that are specific to certain cities or regions. Go to your favorite search engine, type in “Pink Pages” or try “Pink Pages and The City That You Live In”. (Skip the quotation marks.)

Two last points about gay book stores… Check out the inevitable bulletin board AND ask the clerk where the gay hot spots are. Also ask him about the special events, Pride festivals or social clubs and groups that happen and meet in your area.

Another place that you should check out is your local PFLAG chapter, (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). In the U.S. pflag.org is the site to visit. You can find out where your local chapter is, find out more about gender identity and sexual orientation as well as some great tips on coming out. In Canada, pflag.ca is the site to go to.

Once you start doing a little research you’ll begin finding out about the places to go to. You’ll find that there are more opportunities than meet the eye – you may even find that there’s a much larger and vibrant gay community than you suspected. That’s when you’ll start meeting other gay men or at the very least the opportunity to meet them.

Dating & Living With an Older Gay Man

I sometimes get asked about what it’s like dating or living with an older gay man. I also get asked for tips and advice on how to deal with family and friends or how I dealt with my family and friends when they found out I was dating and in fact now living with a man 22 years older than myself.

I have actually written about many of these questions and problems in my other articles here as the articles are all based on my personal experiences of mainly dating older men, as well as my life living with one for seven years now.

However, a recent email inspired me to write some more on this subject and to try and address a few specific points that I may not have covered quite so clearly before.

One of the problems or hurdles that you will face if you are involved in a relationship with a gay man where there is a significant age gap is how others will perceive that relationship.

Another hurdle that you may face is how you think other people will perceive your relationship with an older or younger gay man.

In my own life, the later point is actually the one that gave me the most problems.

I actually gave myself more grief and worry about what other people might think than what actually happened and what these people actually do think about our relationship.

These days, I don’t worry about people thinking negatively about our relationship because in the first place it’s not theirs and in the second place most people are too busy with their own problems and relationships to really be too concerned.

I took me many years to get to this comfort point in my life; it wasn’t easy and I will admit that even to this day I sometimes have the occasional bit of anxiety.

How could I have made things easier on myself? That’s something that I sometimes think about and the answer that keeps repeating itself is that I should have come out to my parents a lot earlier than when I did.

But I was young and scared of what they might think or do and what my friends might think and do. As it turned out, I came out to my parents when I was older and at a pretty low point in my life, still scared of what everyone might say and do.

To make thing just a little more interesting and difficult, the day I came out was also the day that they officially found out that I was living with an older man who was the same age as they were.

Yes, they got a double whammy that day!

I broke the news awkwardly to my mum first. I don’t remember exactly what either of us said, it’s all a blur but it basically went something like this…

“Mum, you know how I’m renting a room from Ian and how I invite him to all our family get-togethers? Well he’s not really my landlord. He’s my lover and has been since I moved in with him”.

A short pause of silence greets this revelation and then my mum responds with, “It’s OK; I kind of figured that might be the case”.

After I left my parents place, my head still spinning at what I’d just done, I received a phone call from my Dad; “It’s OK son”, he said.

I was elated! Years of guilt started lifting from my shoulders.

I had begun the next phase of my life as a gay man of thirty something.

I honestly don’t know what I would have done had this opportunity presented itself when I was younger, and in my early twenties; or nineteen for that matter.

I do know that it was important to finally come out to my family and formally introduce the man who was my lover and partner.

I was quite literally getting sick from hiding in the closet and hiding a relationship that was extremely important to me, as Ian wasn’t just some guy that I was occasionally going out with. My entire life was and is to this day revolving around him – we’re partners.

Do we get strange looks or questions? Sure sometimes. But for the most part people are too busy to really concern themselves. For others that we meet it’s often a case of, “Oh well, that’s interesting, looks like it’s been good for both of you.” And still others are down right envious.

In any event, it matters not what they think; what matters is us and our happiness.

What Are Young Gay Men’s HIV Prevention Needs?

Are young gay men at risk?

Unfortunately, yes. Accumulating research shows alarmingly high HIV prevalence rates among young gay men and high rates of sexual risk-taking, suggesting that young gay men in their 20’s are forging a “second wave” of the AIDS epidemic. During the 1980s, the median age at HIV infection was older than 30 years. It dropped to 25 years during the period from 1987 to 1991. From 1987 to 1991, one in every four newly infected individuals in the US was age 22 or under.

A recent study of 425 gay men aged 18-29 in San Francisco, CA found that 18% were already infected with HIV, with a seroincidence rate of 2.6% per year: among the 27-29 year olds, 29% were HIV+. Another study which sampled young gay men aged 17-22 from public venues such as bars, street corners, dance clubs and parks found 9% of the men to be HIV positive. Young African-American men were found to have especially high HIV seroprevalence (21%). A study of gay men aged 18-24 in New York City found 9% HIV positive.

What places young gay men at risk?

In contrast to studies with older gay men which demonstrate dramatic reductions in HIV risk-taking behaviors, a variety of studies show that young gay men are engaging in high rates of unsafe sex. In a survey of gay men aged 18-25 in three medium-sized West Coast communities, 43% of the sample reported having engaged in unprotected anal intercourse during the previous 6 months.(7) A study of gay and bisexual adolescent males in Minnesota found that 63% were at “extreme risk” due to unprotected anal intercourse or intravenous drug use. A San Francisco telephone survey showed that 44% of gay men under the age of 30 had engaged in unprotected anal intercourse during the previous year, compared to 18% of the men over age 30.

What contributes to risk taking?

A complex array of factors – at individual, interpersonal and community levels – contributes to the high sexual risk-taking of young gay men. Since the bulk of AIDS cases among gay men is among men aged 30-40, many young gay men perceive AIDS as a disease of older men and feel it is safe to have unprotected sex with other young men. Most young men know how HIV is transmitted and men who engage in unprotected sex do label their behavior as putting themselves at risk for AIDS. Nonetheless, with their feelings of invulnerability typical of youth, young men may feel the negative consequences “won’t happen to me”.

Young men are often in an exploratory phase with regard to sexuality which may entail high numbers of partners and a willingness to try a variety of activities. Due to inexperience, young men may be less competent in negotiating low-risk sex and less knowledgeable about making safe sex activities enjoyable. Coming out as gay can also be a period of great emotional turbulence, resulting in low self-esteem and depression which may reduce their feelings of self-efficacy and motivation for safe sex.

Further, protecting one’s health is not necessarily a young gay man’s top concern. Interpersonal motivations may be more pressing – wanting to fit in, to find companionship and intimacy. However, interpersonal issues can also contribute to unsafe sex. For young gay men, unsafe sex is most likely to occur with a boyfriend – someone whose affection is very important to them.(7)

The social structure and norms of the young gay subculture may not be entirely conducive to safer sex. In many communities, gay bars and public cruising settings provide the main opportunities for young gay men to meet and socialize. Yet each is highly sex-charged and the bar scene’s emphasis on alcohol sets the stage for engaging in sex while high – consistently found to contribute to unsafe sex.

What works for young gay men?

Despite enormous need, only a handful of programs specifically targeting young gay men have been designed and evaluated. Individualized risk-reduction counseling followed by peer education and referrals to drug, counseling and health services were reported to be an effective strategy for decreasing unprotected anal intercourse among gay male adolescents in Minneapolis, MN. In New York City, an intensive, multi-session small group intervention was offered to gay youth aged 14-19 seeking services at a community-based agency for gay youth; the more sessions youth attended, the more dramatic the changes in risk behavior.

Community-level programs can reach large numbers of young men. One successful program promoted a norm for safer sex among young gay men through a variety of social, outreach and small group activities designed and run by young men themselves. Rates of unprotected anal intercourse dropped from 40% to 31% after the intervention. The program found that young men engaging in unsafe sex who were unlikely to attend workshops were more likely to be reached through outreach activities – such as dances, movie nights, picnics, gay rap groups, and volleyball games.(13) STOP AIDS’s Q Action, in San Francisco, CA, is a community organizing model that promotes HIVprvention by putting the power for designing and implementing interventions directly into the hands of young gay men.

Youth-oriented media can also be used creatively to reach large numbers of young gay men. In Australia, ads promoting HIV prevention peer support groups appeared in popular youth magazines across the country. Over 1,300 young men responded. Follow-up questionnaires showed that 73% had not told a family member about being gay, and 48% had told no one. Direct mail was also found to be highly successful for sending AIDS and sexuality information to gay adolescents in rural, isolated, or culturally difficult environments who would otherwise not access support.(14)

What needs to be done?

Since there are multiple factors that contribute to HIV risk-taking among young gay men, multi-level prevention programs are necessary – programs that impact variables at individual, interpersonal and social system levels. Funding, designing, implementing and evaluating HIV prevention programs for young gay men must be a high priority to halt the AIDS epidemic.

The myth that the gay community has been saturated with AIDS prevention services is in serious need of debunking. New young men will come out each year who have not been exposed to prevention campaigns of previous years, thus HIV prevention for young gay men must be ongoing and dynamic.

Engaging, creative programs are needed that address HIV prevention within the contexts of young gay men’s lives, incorporating issues of self-esteem, coming out, substance use and interpersonal and social needs. Community-level and peer outreach programs are especially promising, and services for young gay men of color are particularly needed. Since previous sexual history is a strong predictor of current risk-taking behavior, intervention at an early point in a young man’s sexual initiation will be maximally effective.

Societal homophobia may impede implementing effective prevention programs for gay youth and may discourage young gay men from accessing prevention services.Political concerns must not interfere with HIV prevention services for young gay men. A comprehensive HIV prevention strategy uses multiple elements to protect as many of those at risk of HIV infection as possible. Targeting young gay men with AIDS prevention messages and services is not “condoning” or “promoting” homosexuality, it is acting responsibly in the face of a grave public health threat. Unless action is taken quickly, we will lose a new generation of gay men.

caps.ucsf.edu/YGMtext.html – 2000