Telling Your Family That You’re Gay

Before you think about how to come out to your family, what’s most important is that you feel a sense of acceptance in yourself about your sexual orientation and/or gender identity and your reasons for coming out. As you begin to acknowledge to yourself that you are lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans, it is very common to experience guilt, shame, doubt and confusion.

The effects of a lifetime of negative social messages, discrimination and, for some, violence cannot be erased overnight. This can be a difficult time and it can be helpful to talk to a counsellor or friend to help prepare you emotionally to come out. Involvement in a local coming out group may also help you with your own process.

Even in a climate where the LGBTI community has begun to fight back and demand rights, recognition and protection under the law, social attitudes and belief systems continue to discriminate. Although social attitudes such as homophobia and transphobia affect all of us, many members of the LGBTI community confront other forms of discrimination as well, such as racism, ageism, sexism, etc. All or some of these social attitudes may influence your coming out experience.

Although homophobia and transphobia exist in all cultures, the degree of acceptance of LGBTI identities varies across cultural and religious communities. For some of us, the loss of family and/or membership in our cultural community, silence, hostility or even violence are very real consequences to coming out. If this is your reality, you need to realistically assess the risks involved. If you decide to come out, but are concerned about your family’s reaction, you should work with a counsellor or friend to develop a plan that will ensure your safety.

Family reactions

As you begin to feel the first inklings of pride and entitlement to be who you are, you can’t help feeling that family, friends and the rest of the heterosexual world will see you as different. One of the things we know is that prejudice and discrimination do change over time and it is usually exposure to that which is different that helps to change negative attitudes. When it comes to family members and in particular parents finding out they have a LGBTI child, it is those historically negative ideas about homosexuality that first concern them.

Some thoughts that cross many parents’ minds include:

“If being gay is sick, perverted and unnatural, and my child says they’re gay, I must have been a bad parent.”

“Lesbians are treated badly in employment and housing situations and lead isolated lonely lives outside the mainstream. I don’t want my child to suffer.”

“Being trans is seen as sick and perverted by many people. How will other family, friends and work mates see me if my child is trans?”

Dealing with cultural issues

If you have strong ties to a particular cultural community, your parents may be concerned with how your coming out will be perceived by the community and how it will affect their position within it. Many individuals report that cultural values, such as not talking about or displaying emotions, get in the way of them sharing their sexual orientation or gender identity with their parents. In many cultural communities, being LGBTI is considered to be a North American problem, thus the preferred response to your coming out may be to deny your reality and to become more strict about having you conform to cultural norms and expectations. Coming out may also feel like you need to choose between your cultural identity and your sexual orientation. This is even more difficult when you experience the LGBTI community as being insensitive to your cultural identity. There are groups and associations for LGBTI individuals from specific cultural communities. They can help you find culturally appropriate information, images and supports for you and your family.

If you are coming out as trans

Although years of activism have improved the lives of many members of the LGBTI community, trans individuals are still the focus of much discrimination and violence. If you are coming out to your parents as trans, you may face challenges relating to the lack of information and positive images that are available regarding trans folks, particularly individuals from specific cultural communities. The lack of information available about trans people and their experiences is directly related to the confusion and hostility that many parents may feel when their child comes out as trans. Trans identities also lead to confusion regarding the issue of sexual orientation, so your parents may wonder whether your new gender identity also means that you are gay or lesbian. Transphobia can combine with homophobia to make coming out a very challenging and anxiety-provoking experience.

Consult the list of resources on this website for books and articles that can help you come out to your parents, as well as the list of links that we have provided for trans positive services and web sites.

Most parents want the best for their children and if they know that what’s best is to be true to yourself and live who you are, they will gradually come to accept, not only that they have a gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans child and that it wasn’t their fault, but that their child will live a fulfilling life.

Before you tell your family

Before you tell them, you need personal time to come to terms with your new self-understanding. It’s also helpful to have support from others who have gone through this process. Keep in mind there is likely at least one other gay, lesbian or bisexual person in your family tree, either from previous generations or who is currently alive. One of the fun aspects of coming out to yourself is going over your family tree and identifying those who may have been LGBTI. This is often not the case for trans folks as they are still fighting for the right to live out and proud.

With your new awareness you may discover there were clues all along that you didn’t recognize because of secrecy and shame. We often hear from individuals, struggling with coming out to their family, that they fear the news will “kill” their parents. Although it may be difficult in the beginning and your parents and family may initially reject you , most, particularly those who had a good relationship with their children, accept the news over time.

Many people who’ve come out also find that their relationship with their parents eventually improves because of the increased openness and honesty that comes with sharing this knowledge. Many also experience a great sense of relief in knowing that they no longer need to keep their true identity a secret.

It is important that you communicate to your parents that you love them, are not trying to hurt them and that, whether you are coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans, you are still the same person that they love. Consider sharing with them your story of coming out to yourself, as well as the resources that you found helpful during this time. This may include books, films, friends, allies, and counselors. Above all, be patient. Recall how long it took for you to come to terms with your new identity and give your parents the time to do the same.

There are many ways you can tell your family:

The most common first step for many LGBTI is to confide in a sibling (if you have one), cousin, uncle or aunt; one who you feel will accept and support you in telling other family members.
When you’re ready to tell your parents, you might want to start with the parent to whom you feel the closest.
Instead of telling them in person, another option is to write your parents a letter. This gives your parents time to reflect on what you have told them and decide how to respond.
When you meet with your parents, either after you’ve sent a letter, or to tell them for the first time, you might want to consider bringing along a supportive friend or family member.

Is Coming Out At Work The Right Choice?

Making a decision about coming out is a difficult one. If you’re lucky, you already know you’ll have needed support from your family and friends. The decision about whether to come out at work can be especially risky for some. There’s no right or wrong answer for everyone in general, but it might be helpful to weigh the pros and cons.

Pros

You might become more relaxed
It takes up a lot of our mental energy to try to ‘pass’ in any way at work. We have to be vigilant about using gender neutral pronouns and possibly feel as if we need to behave in a more feminine or masculine way than we actually feel. Coming out could be just what’s needed to take the load off of our shoulders. Without all of that worry and pretense, other things can be focused on, such as building professional relationships.

You’ll know who’s not on your side
Those who knew of your capabilities before you came out will have no choice but to acknowledge it, even if not out loud. It can also stop any hate speech that might have occurred before because bigoted co-workers will know that it’s now personal.

You’ll find out who supports you
You never know, you might find out you have a fellow co-worker in the LGBT community in the next cubicle over! Plus, you might inspire someone to come out if they haven’t already.

Cons

You might get attention you don’t want
You might not want everyone to know. Some co-workers may think that your coming out is an invitation for them to ask personal questions about your sex life. They won’t care or even understand that it’s inappropriate. You might be working with some seriously hateful (even threatening) bigots. Of course you should be able to rely on HR to have your back, but that might not actually happen.

It could turn out to be dangerous
There’s a chance you might lose your job after coming out, even if it is against company policy. There are always cases of people making up false reasons for ‘letting you go’ or cutting down hours until there aren’t any left. Try to understand the atmosphere of your workplace first. There are countries where you can be fired after coming out. Check out the laws first. It’s ultimately your decision to come out, or not.

Coming Out Day

What do you consider your moment of coming out? Was it the moment you came to terms with who you are? Was it the moment you shared a part of your life with the people you loved? Whatever it was, it was the moment you decided to be honest with yourself and perhaps with others.

I spent a few minutes on October 11th, National Coming Out Day, reading some coming out stories online. Some were happy stories. Some weren’t so happy. There were some I definitely related to. There were some I wished I could relate to.

I came out to myself three years ago, at the age of twenty two. Prior to that, like many of my Chinese peers, I had successfully (if awkwardly) dodged questions relating to dating and marriage by focusing on my studies and convincing others that I was simply not ready to date. Upon coming to a firm realization of my identity, it wasn’t long afterward that I found myself revealing the truth to my parents, due to an unexpected turn of events.

The incident happened by pure chance. I had unwittingly left my cell phone at home while at work, leading my father to see a text message from one of my male friends, who had innocuously ended the message with *kiss kiss.* Though this may hardly have been a cause for alarm, it certainly was for my mother, who confronted me with the dreaded question upon my return home:

You’re not gay, are you?

It was the question I feared so much that I had done everything possible over the last two decades to prevent it from being asked. Now that my carelessness had presented me with the opportunity, my moment had come – I could no longer lie.

Though to this day I still don’t know where I had gathered the courage to come out to my parents, I’m grateful for having done so, even if it left a gaping wound in our relationship that’s still far from being in the recovery stages. But having done so, the healing process can hopefully begin sooner rather than later. My coming out story isn’t exactly a happy story, but it’s one that I’m sure at least some of my brothers and sisters out there can relate. Either way, it’s not a story of regret, because it was at that moment where I was more honest and open with myself than I had ever been before. What I didn’t realize at the time was that it wasn’t to end there – coming out is a lifelong process.

To all those who supported me throughout my never-ending coming out story, I give my gratitude. I’m certain I wouldn’t be living the life I am now if it weren’t for you. To all those who came out and faced rejection, disapproval, or worse, I’m proud of you. I can’t think of anyone stronger than you. To all those who haven’t come out yet, there’s no need to explain – I understand your situation completely, and I hope that you find your very own moment one day.

What’s your coming out story?

Article written by J. Chu

Gay and Coming Out of the Closet

There are few set rules to this often harrowing experience, mostly there are merely guidelines based on the experiences of others, but from the knowledge of many of those experiences, including my own, this article has been written with an aim to help those considering “coming out”. Of the few rules there are, one hard and fast one is to always do what you think is best for you – but to do it considerately.

Another is that before even contemplating coming out to anyone, especially to your family, you do need to be absolutely sure in yourself that you really are gay. Don’t base anything on just a few pleasurable experiences you may have had with someone of the same sex.

Straight people do sometimes experiment (as many as two in every five males will have same-sex at some time in their lives – statistics that are a blessing to many a gay man) and they do often enjoy it – so be thoroughly sure before dropping what to some people might be a bombshell! Few will thank you later for a: “Whoops! I got it wrong!” Once you have completely accepted that you are gay then the whole coming out issue raises its ugly head.

You will find yourself questioning:

Do I really need to tell anyone? Should I try to keep it a secret?

Should I tell my parents? And if so – both of them, or just one of them – at least at first?

How about my brothers and sisters; the rest of the family; and my friends – should they all be told?

Then there’s the people at work – do they need to know?

Each person’s situation will be different, and only they will have the best idea of who, if anybody, they should tell. Some people will feel it is best to tell everyone – others to tell no-one. Some won’t want to tell either one, or both, of their parents because they “know” it would devastate them, or they would simply never understand, whilst others may conclude it is best to keep it under wraps at work.

With friends, especially close ones, you may think you know who you could, and who you could not, confide in. It is you and you alone who will be the best judge of each situation, but you will need to have done some groundwork on which to base your conclusions. An obvious way if you are unsure of someone is to pass a casual non-judgemental comment on something gay that is in the newspaper or on the television (there’s usually something around most times) to see how they react.

If you do decide to come out to someone, then this is no time to rush into anything. You will need to pick a good time to tell them – a time when neither of you are busy or are likely to be disturbed. Don’t be tempted to undertake the task when you, or they, are the worse for drink. Don’t prepare a speech or a lecture full of baffling statistics – just try to be your usual self and converse as you normally would.

Do try to get it across that your coming out changes nothing, that you are still exactly the same person you were before telling them, and that the only one thing that has changed is that they now know your true sexuality. Assure them that you still love them / like them / need them the same as you always have done, and tell them that you hope upon hope that they can come to terms with your sexuality and accept you for what you really are, just as you had to.

Do be prepared for questions, some of which you may not know the answers to – in which case be honest; don’t attempt to blag it. And do be prepared for the unexpected; for things to go badly wrong. They don’t often, but they can. If you are living with parents and you decide to tell them, then no matter how sure you may be that they will take it okay, it is sensible to have somewhere else lined up where you could stay for a while – just in case.

This is one reason why my advice for anyone under sixteen is to wait until they are old enough to leave home. That way there are no legal complications if it all goes terribly wrong, life becomes unbearable, and they need to spend a few nights away from home. A major reason for a lot of people coming out is to stop all those embarrassing questions like: “When are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?” As this doesn’t usually apply to anyone in their early teens, a time when most lads still go “out with the boys” and anything they might do is likely to be seen as a fad or a mere phase that they are going through, it is probably prudent to wait for a few years.

But whatever age you are, if you do come out and it does all go tits up it is imperative that you don’t get into a heated argument or a full blown row – be man enough to walk away. A little time will often improve matters, so make sure you stay in touch. Never burn your bridges. Worrying about how coming out might affect you, the way it may affect others sometimes gets overlooked.

Here’s a few issues regarding your parents that you may need to understand and address: It is natural for mothers to eagerly look forward to their grandchildren and, especially if you are an only child, they may feel they are going to miss out on a large part of their lives. Occasionally a father may feel that his masculinity has been put in question by producing a gay son and there may be some, albeit even subconscious or hidden, resentment that you have made it public knowledge.

Your parents, searching for a reason, may come to believe that you are gay directly as a result of them raising you incorrectly – they may hold themselves responsible and feel guilty. Unless you’re cruel and don’t care about your parents, these issues need addressing with a lot of love and support. Keep them involved in your life as much as possible, let them see that you are happy with your lifestyle, and be involved in their lives too, but do respect their wishes when it comes to meeting your gay boyfriends – some will want to meet them; some won’t in the early days but will come around to it later; and just a few will wish to carry on as if nothing had been said – with the word “gay” never mentioned again in front of them.

In the event the coming out to your parents goes really badly, despite any animosity you need to remember (for they will) that you are still their son. They may hate your lifestyle, they may not understand it, they may not be able to come to terms with it, but they will always love you as their son even though they may tell you different and not be showing it at that time.

Don’t give up on trying to build bridges – one day one will probably reach them. Whilst it is possible to come out to your parents, and sometimes even to the wider family, without others including your friends knowing about you, the reverse may not necessarily be as true. Unless you live away from your family and nobody that knows you works (goes to college / uni) where you do, in time there is a likelihood that rumour or word will get back to someone you would have preferred not to have known.

It only takes one friend to unwittingly tell someone, perhaps someone who has revealed an interest in you, that you bat for the other side for the word to spread like wildfire as they do their “Did you know…?” bit to all their friends and family. Remember: once you have come out, even if it is to only one person, you no longer have a secret and you must be prepared for others to find out about you at any time. For this reason I have always considered it best to come out to everybody, but you may feel differently.

There are some people who, when they weigh it all up, decide it is best for their circumstances to keep their sexuality a total secret and to not come out at all. It can work, but it’s not without some consequences. For years these people will have to suffer family and friends frequently asking them when they are going to meet the right girl and settle down. In time they may even find that strange liaisons are being arranged as they are invited to dinner parties and paired off at the table with an endless stream of left on the shelf girls.

It can all get a bit embarrassing, and when that doesn’t work, and there’s still no girlfriend in sight, at least one person will at some time come right out with it and ask them point blank if they are gay. What then? Do they lie to them, and thereafter really live a lie? And if they do, how do they feel about lying to their friends and family – those people who love them?

Sometimes not coming out can be as hard as actually coming out – only it lasts longer! I have particularly covered coming out to the parents and family most in this article because I believe them to be the most important – you cannot change your family whereas your friends you can, and probably will, change many times throughout your lifetime. If a friend can’t accept your sexuality, then how good a friend are they?

You are better off finding another friend. And anyway, if you’ve come out, or are coming out, you’ll probably already have a lot of gay friends, or be seeking them, so the loss of an old friend won’t matter that much. Every year gay people are accepted a little more, and so every year it becomes a little easier for those considering coming out. Nevertheless to most faced with the task the experience can still be very unnerving – a little like a first flight in an aircraft or a first solo performance on stage to a massive audience, but more so.

You know it’s all been done before; it’s done on a daily basis and rarely does anything go wrong. You know by all the odds that afterwards you will feel relieved, and proud of yourself – but even knowing all that doesn’t help you much. Some of the ways I benefited from coming out may help you: There was an instant relief that I didn’t have to hide anything anymore – I could be my true self.

No more did I have to look over my shoulder and scan the street before going into a gay pub; no more did I have to check out who was in WH Smiths before buying the Gay Times; no more did the pictures on my walls have to reflect the straight world – up went the hunks! And no more did I have to cringe in horror in case someone I knew saw the obvious camp queen cooeying hello across the street at me.

Then there was the pleasure of being able to tell a girl who had been after getting the pants off me for months that I was gay, instead of coming up with yet another excuse why we shouldn’t be doing it, and an even greater pleasure in putting on an outrageously camp voice (it’s not the usual me) to a good friend’s over-sexed and persistent wife who once more was playing tootsies under the table. “Dhaaarling! I’m gay and I don’t do fish suppers!” I screamed. He looked; she fled – and I was never bothered again.

Getting back to the more serious side, being completely out it was no surprise to anyone when I turned up at all the works parties with my male partner. No more did I have to find excuses and miss out on such things – it also started a bit of a trend as two others began to bring their male partners along too! And with my partner, as an out gay couple, we were able to go to both of our respective family’s celebrations, weddings, funerals and Christmas parties as a part of that family.

You could say that coming fully out allowed us to enjoy a normal life similar to that of any heterosexual couple – apart from that what we did in bed. All our neighbours accepted us. They loved our gay parties and barbecues to which we always invited them (some would even help out with the cooking and the preparations – we were no fools!) and they in return would invite us and many of our gay friends to their parties.

I cannot imagine living my life in any other way than being totally out and honest. What you see is what you get, and if you don’t like it – tough! I know that not everybody will feel that my way could be their way, but if they are considering it and think it might be for them then I am living proof that it can work.

There is so much I would not have done, and so much life I would have missed out on, had I remained even partially in the closet. A few tips: It will be easier to come out if you already have gay friends who will help and support you. If you have a boyfriend who is happy to come out with you (or is already out) it will be even easier.

If you are setting up home with a partner, and you are out to your parents, get your mothers to help you move in – they’ll do all the outing needed to the neighbours and give you a “legitimacy” – you’ll have no problems. Finally, and I believe the most important tip of all: Always try to live your life with compassion, but the way that YOU want to live it. It is your life and yours alone – and you are only given the one. To waste even a moment of it is to miss so much. Be lucky!

M. Knell

This article has been written by a gay man, one who has been out to all for most of his lifetime and during which time he has been a supporter of the Campaign for LGBTI+ Equality.

Coming Out in the Open

In contemporary times, the gay community across the world has got a larger space for expression in society. However, this does not in any way, reflect upon the genuine attitude that a large section of the population harbor for homosexuals. In fact, in most of the less developed parts of the world, as well as more broad-minded societies, people face discrimination and social seclusion based upon their sexual orientation. Often, the fear of facing rejection and silent condemnation from their peers, family or the general populace at large, leads homosexuals to suppress their homoerotic impulses or else get involved in clandestine relationships that rely upon secrecy to be successful. Either way, living such a life is not healthy for there is a constant sense of inadequacy in this nature of existence. It is thus advised by psychologists as well as gay activists that homosexuals should not hesitate to come out of the closet and express their sexual preference without any qualms.

For homosexuals to be as unguarded about their sexual orientation as heterosexuals, they shall need the comfort of knowing that they will get part of, if not similar degree of acceptance as the latter. What gay people often do not realize is that keeping their homosexuality within wraps, they themselves are also conforming to the sexual stereotypes which they think society is burdening them with. If they are at peace with the reality of their sexual preference, the societal response should become a secondary concern. In fact, as more and more homosexuals have gone ahead and been candid about their orientation, the general public response has also undergone a change. As the active gay community becomes larger and stronger, they garner more respect and acceptance due to the very fact of being part of a more vast section of the population and not an extremely small minority.

While a large number of gay people keep their homosexuality a secret due to societal pressures and insecurities, more often than not, it is also because they are comfortable with their own reality. However, they must realize that the root cause of such discomfort also goes back to the general conditioning that one receives in regard with sexuality and preferences from their very birth. What they need t realize is that it is better to come out and face reality rather than live a lie. Studies and statistics support the fact that most homosexuals have found themselves to feel happier and more secure once they have come out of the closet and declared their orientation with no hint of embarrassment or regret.

It is important to realize that if a homosexual is fighting with their sexual impulses or keeping their orientation a secret, they are not at peace and are not probably living a very satisfactory life in that sense. It is often believed by the more vocal members of the gay community that they are better off risking undesirable societal reaction rather than living in a state of unhappiness, often even depression. The idea is that it is a fairer deal to risk unhappiness and be true to oneself, rather than be unhappy and live in denial or concealment.

Moreover, as the gay community has become more vocal and active in fighting for its rights (pro gay marriage), a large part of the formerly indifferent or disdainful population has broadened their outlook, being more aware about the reality of homosexuality and sexual preference. As the world community gets more aware about this issue, they simultaneously become more sensitized towards the idea of accepting them as one of their own.

It is therefore, a fair conclusion that homosexuals shall fare better if they are open about their sexual orientation. It shall not only help lighten their own mental burden but also contribute to the larger cause of gay activism that aims at changing the discriminatory attitude that society may harbor in regard with homosexuals. And in coming out of the closet, a gay person makes a decisive attempt to control their own life, which reflects personal growth and strength of character. For all the gay people in the world, go ahead and express yourselves, embrace your sexuality and let other’s notions of right and wrong affect your life.

gaymarriagesupport.com/coming-out-in-the-open – 2012

Telling Parents

This is for everyone who’s planning to tell their parents soon and to everyone whose parents know but just don’t understand (I apologize in advance to FtM readers and non-transsexual readers. This is written in terms of a transsexual woman. I hope you can find useful insight regardless)…

As you may know when I came out to my mum last summer she was very accepting and supportive of me. This was mainly because of how she had come to think of me and our relationship in the time since I had come out to her as gay in January of the previous year. Accepting me as gay had been a terrible struggle for her, she hadn’t rejected me in any way but she was concerned about how I would be treated, if I would have a happy life and so on. She says now that at first it seemed like a terrible thing to come to terms with but now it seems like nothing at all. At that time we began to talk a lot more and a lot more personally and our relationship shifted from parent/child to adult friends. I helped her through stress as much as she helped me. We talked about our feelings and found we had a lot in common. She told me things like how she too couldn’t live a life where she wasn’t doing something that would help people rather than exploit them and that she believed going to university was important not to learn facts but to learn /life/, that it gave you the opportunity to discover and reinvent yourself away from people who’ve known you since you were born or since you were a pre-teen. Our relationship was such that when I told my mum I was transsexual, she believed me and trusted in my judgement. She knew that I knew my mind and tried to understand myself and keep in touch with my feelings (we’re long believers of the “it’s good to cry” philosophy). She didn’t doubt that when I said something I meant and truly believed it. That I would have thought about it and understood it and everything it would lead to. She talked about unconditional love and loving the person not the role. She said the most important thing was our happiness and she trusted in me enough to believe I knew myself enough to know what I /had/ to do to be happy.

I was very lucky to have such an accepting and supportive parent and to have gone through the previous coming out experience which brought us both to that point. However, just because my mum was supportive and accepting from the word go, she wasn’t understanding. She trusted me to know what I needed to do but she didn’t have /any/ idea what that meant. She was as scared and confused as any parent. Since then things have improved greatly and we’ve talked about her feelings during those first few months. I’m sure that all or at least some of this will apply to /all/ parents and I want to share them with you so you can go into coming out to your parents or educating your parents armed with the knowledge of the sorts of feelings, fears and misconceptions they will be holding…

My mum had no concept of what it meant to be transsexual. She didn’t understand it /at all/. Now my mum is a very intelligent woman and I assumed that as such she would be aware of at least the basics. She wasn’t. At all. She told me at Christmas that she had spent the first few months expecting me to ‘become’ a transsexual. That I was going to live the rest of my life as ‘a transsexual’. She had no idea of what that was. She’d been exposed to absolutely no role models of successful adult or youth transsexuals. As far as she knew she didn’t know anyone else who was transsexual. In her mind I was going to become some kind of amalgamation of every half understood stereotype and comment she’d heard for transsexuals, transvestites and drag queens and that I was going to live in some kind of transsexual ghetto with other transsexuals or walk the street in a ball gown and full make-up calling everyone ‘dhaaarling!’. None of it was really that clear. She had no concept, she could only imagine. And parents always imagine the worst when they face the unknown.I first became aware of this when my mum, some months later, asked me questions like “what will you wear when you… er transition?” and “well what will you do?”. Many parents would be too proud to ask questions like this, especially if they’ve decided that you’re doing the wrong thing (it would be like saying “You haven’t thought this through at all! It’s completely the wrong thing for you! …um, what does this involve again?”). The correct response to this question is to say “I’m just going to be like any woman my age, I’ll dress like any of your friends 20 year old daughters would, when this is finished I’ll just be a normal girl.”
Of course the truly correct way to deal with this is to make sure your parents understand from the start that you will just be a normal woman (or man if you’re going in that direction) when this is all over. You really need to make this clear, it’s not a conclusion they’ll come to on their own. Show them pictures and websites of successfully transitioned transsexual women your age, let them see they’re just normal girls getting on with their life and relating to the world as normal girls. You’re not turning into a freak you’re turning into just another person. The only difference is you’ll be the other sex and a lot happier.
She had no concept of what hormones would do, of when surgery happens and when it can’t happen or, perhaps most importantly, of the concept of passing. She didn’t understand what hormones would do and what they wouldn’t do. She realized they would give me breasts but I’ve met people who didn’t know that — don’t assume they know anything no matter how obvious. She didn’t put passing into the equation at all, in her mind hormones would have no effect on me at in other people’s eyes. No logically I’m sure she could have thought that through and realized that I was going to look different but she /wasn’t/ thinking logically.I became aware of this when I noticed that she had all sorts of fears about the rest of my life living in constant danger.
Again, explain from the start how hormones work. Show your parents impressive pictures of perfectly passing transsexual women your age. Tell them that in twelve months time you will look more like a sister or female cousin than the person you look like now. Explain the simple things, fat redistribution, skin texture, breasts and how people judge other people’s sex. She told me once that she’d had a revelation looking at other women in the street and realizing the sheer diversity in size and shape of people that society has no problem calling women. Before this point she’d had the completely illogical belief that I’d have to look like a cheer leader to pass. Your parents might have complete blind spots in their mind about tall people being able to be women if the tall person in question is you…
She believed that I’d live the rest of my life alone without love. That I would never be able to find a loving partner as a transsexual. The thing she was most concerned about was my ability to live a happy and successful life and she didn’t have any concept of transsexuality being compatible with that.She told me this when I came out to her. I was very surprised considering how happy and confident I was that I was going to be loved and liked as a gay man. She didn’t see that as a woman I’d be more likely to find a partner than as a gay man. She didn’t understand that I was becoming more normal not less. Yet again she had a lot of positive gay role models and no positive transsexual women role models.
Explain that you’ll just be like any other woman your age and just as likely to find happiness, love and success as any other woman. Use words like ‘woman’ rather than transsexual, talk in terms of your self and your life being female and normal. You’re not becoming a freak, you /feel/ like a freak now. You are /far/ more likely to be happy and successful in life after transition that you ever were before.
She had a lot of trouble seeing me as female when I looked male. She’s said since that she sees me completely as female now but when she first found out about what I was going through she had never thought about things in that way.Again she told me this on our walk around the Whistable coast line when I came out to her. She said that she didn’t think I /was/ very female, that yes I looked female and my body language was but she didn’t think I acted like a girl. I asked her what she meant and she came out with things like I was assertive and hungry to learn.
Explain the difference between gender and gender roles and stereotypes. Ask your parent if perhaps they might be being extremely sexist, perhaps if you turn it around and said, “if it wasn’t me but instead some other girl, would you seriously tell them they couldn’t be a woman because they want to learn things or because they ask questions and get things done?” ask them are they seriously saying all women are content to be unassertive and ignorant? Parents can be extremely sexist about what makes a woman when attempting to prove to themselves that you’re not. Help them to see that what they’re saying would most probably offend or even disgust them in any other context. I told my mum that gender is the way we think and feel about ourselves as men and women whereas gender roles are all the stereotypes, baggage and ‘rules’ that society piles on top of men and women. There’s nothing biological in women to make them /all/ likeable people who do all the housework and love pink and there’s nothing biological in men to make them /all/ fast car loving, competitive sports fans…
My mum felt terrible and guilt stricken to discover that I had been miserable, uncomfortable and depressed all through my childhood and /she hadn’t noticed/. She found it very difficult to cope with the amount of pain this meant I’d gone through on my own.Months later she told me how much this thought upset her and how she was having difficulty forgiving herself for not noticing. She said she’d noticed I wasn’t happy during some of my teenage but that she’d assumed the door slamming, lack of visible friends and staying in bed all day were down to hormones not depression.
I sent my parents a long email explaining how much they’d done for me as I grew up, how while I was very depressed at school, home was always a haven and happy place for me and the only place I really felt I had any chance of being myself. How although I knew that if I had been a girl from the very start I’d have had a much more happy school and social life and I wouldn’t have chosen to do the same things with my life, I always made the most of the situation I was in, I read, I programmed computer games, I played pretend with my brother, I built an awful lot of lego and I sang in the privacy of my own room. Perhaps I wouldn’t have done the same things if I hadn’t been transsexual, but they were still a good childhood, even if it was a compromise childhood and all the best parts happened when I was at home. With my parents.

OK, that’s all the insight I’m giving today. I hope you can keep this advice in mind when tell your parents and when you’re helping them to understand and accept the situation they’ll feel suddenly thrust into.

Although this didn’t come direct from my mum, I hope this more open ended advice will also be useful:

Remember your parents are most likely, shocked, scared, guilty and confused. They don’t understand what you’ve gone through, what you are going through and what you will be going through. Most likely their first reaction will not be a positive as my mum’s. Depending on personality and situation they may decide to fall into the parent role and, all though they’re in no state to do so, decide what’s right and wrong for you without any of the relevant information needed to make this decision. It’s quite likely they will go into denial, maybe they’ll pretend it’s not happening, maybe they’ll blame something or someone completely irrationally and say that you’ve been corrupted. Only you know how your parents are likely to react to such feelings as shock, fear, guilt, confusion and even loss (your parents may think of you as a son rather than a person in your own right). Your parents may not be able to cope with any kind of shift in how they perceive, treat and think about you, at least at first. There may also be additional guilt if you’ve ever told them this before and they didn’t believe you or told you it would go away. Even more if they shipped you off to a psychologist when you were 12 and then never talked about it again. Any of these reactions will most likely cause you a lot of pain. It’s very likely that you’ve learnt to relate to at least one of your parents with some degree of argument or confrontation as you grew up.

Here’s the important thing. Bear everything I’ve said today in mind. Don’t feel offended, don’t even get upset. Stay rational, stay calm and keep your parents feelings in mind. You owe it to your parents to /help them/ through this. Do not expect any kind of support or understanding from them, don’t expect /anything at all/. Take any comment that you might find offensive or upsetting or rejecting and /give them the benefit of the doubt/. They don’t know what they’re talking about, they don’t know how to react, how to help or how to make this better. They don’t understand and they’re scared. HELP THEM. If you thought they deserved to know then they also deserve to understand, to know exactly what’s going to happen to you and /not/ to lose you because of this. Don’t let this turn into a conflict, do not get angry, don’t take any comment they make personally. When your parents say something that suggests ignorance or fear, don’t get angry, don’t storm off, don’t cry. Use every rejection, ignorant comment and attack as a cry for help. Learn from what they say to you, find out what they don’t understand and /explain/ it to them, slowly and rationally. The most important thing is that you talk. Talk as much as possible. Let them know everything that’s going to happen. Give them /a lot/ of time to get used to the idea and give them /a lot/ of information to read as they do. Show your parents that you think, show your parents you know what you’re doing, show them your confident, show them that /you/ are the rational one here, that /you/ know the facts and that /you/ are going to be there to help them through this. If they argue with you or shout at you or doubt you /do not lower yourself to their level/, you owe that to them. Help them through this, they don’t want to lose you, they don’t understand, they’re afraid. No matter what other concerns they have — what other people think, how this will affect their marriage, if you’re being corrupted or delusional — when it comes down to it your parents want you to be happy and successful and loved in your life. Realize that even the most withit and understanding parents can have trouble understanding that you can be happy /and/ deal with your transsexuality. They may realize that your transsexuality makes you miserable, they may understand that transition will make that better, but most likely they won’t realize that going down the path of transition does not close off the paths to a happy, successful life. Help them to see that if anything transition opens /all/ the paths and makes everything easier in the long term.

Just remember an ignorant comment is not the cue to a shouting match, it’s a cue to you that your parents don’t understand something and you need to explain it to them with kindness, compassion and understanding. Don’t drop to their level. They’ll thank you later.

Since I talked everything through with my mum things have improved immeasurably. She talked everything through with my Dad and we’ve all become closer. After a few months they became comfortable with calling me Zoe and using female pronouns all the time. They began apologising if they got it wrong. After a while my mum began to truly think of me as female and become quite upset or even confused if others got it wrong. After a lot of pushing by me to talk about it to her friends, my mum told a number of people close to her in her life through which it began to feel even more normal to her. Before christmas my mum told all of my relatives of my situation. She did this by phone and in person, in each case describing it in terms of me being a girl who’d struggled through life trapped by the wrong body until now when I was finally being myself and putting things right. Edited copies of my webpage helped. Since then I’ve received nothing but support and acceptance from all my relatives and I’m certain such a universally positive reaction is down to the way my mum presented the situation to them. At christmas my mum told me that when she tells people who don’t know about what’s happened in my life they all tend to tell her how sorry they feel for her and how terrible it must be. She said that she doesn’t really understand that, how it really doesn’t feel like a bad thing and in a funny way it just seems like a normal and natural part of growing up to her now. With hindsight she’d noticed certain things. She says when we were looking around universities in early 1998 she’d seen me coming out of the men’s toilets at a motorway service station surrounded by business men and lorry drivers and how completely delicate and out of place I’d seemed and how I just don’t look incongruous any more. Things can work out with your family.

By Zone, freeuk.com/zoe.html 2004